Family Matters III: Common Unsupportive Scenarios
Former heroin addicts who also smoked cigarettes routinely report that quitting cigarettes was much more difficult than quitting heroin. Among the factors that make quitting cigarette smoking especially difficult is the fact that many people who smoke live with other smokers. Studies of efforts to quit smoking show that family members who attempt to quit while their spouses continue to smoke almost never succeed.
Weight control works in a similar way. When children and adolescents lose weight in a program outside of the home, if they don’t return to an incredibly supportive environment, they have little chance of success in the long run. Let’s consider three very common scenarios involving families of adolescent weight controllers. In every case, you’ll see that the families described seemed well-meaning and eager to support their weight controllers. Unfortunately, they didn’t take that support to the ideal level. When reviewing these six scenarios, look for the messages that underlie or describe the behavior of the family.
Unsupportive Family Scenario # 1: “I Can Eat Just One!”
Joe, a 15 year old weight controller, had succeeded in losing 20 pounds at one of the Wellspring Camps. When he returned home, he noticed that his family had made some changes in the foods available in the house, but not all problematic foods were eliminated. His parents explained that his older brother Steve, whom everyone described as skinny, really loved potato chips and a few other high fat items that they believed should remain available to him in the home.
One day Joe returned home from school and found Steve munching away from a large bag of their favorite brand of high-fat potato chips. Joe commented to Steve, “It’s incredibly hard for me to watch you eating those great potato chips.” Steve replied, “Well, you just have to demonstrate that the commercial was wrong.” Joe responded, “What commercial?” Steve reminded him, “I bet you can’t eat just one. You could just eat one and prove that commercial wrong.”
Message One to weight controller: You should be able to eat very limited quantities of high fat foods.
Message Two to weight controller: We’re not willing to go all the way to make this environment maximally supportive of your efforts.
Unsupportive Family Scenario #2: “I Just Love Their Cheesecake.”
Sarah, a successful weight controller at the Academy of the Sierras, came home to a warmly supportive and excited family. They congratulated their remarkable daughter in every possible way. They even threw her a very low fat party as a welcome home present. One evening the family went out to dinner together at a local upscale restaurant. When the server came over to ask if there was any interest in dessert, the family hemmed and hawed a bit before reluctantly agreeing to view the motorized dessert cart. On several trays of this elaborate dessert cart appeared many extremely high fat but very appealing looking delicacies. Sarah’s mom spoke up first and said, “Oh, I just love that blueberry cheesecake of yours! I’ll take a slice of that.” Other family members followed suit. Sarah was left with the difficult challenge of selecting the sorbet or berries in the face of much more powerful gustatory temptations.
Message One to weight controller: It is perfectly okay (normal) to eat very high fat foods occasionally (including a 72 fat gram slice of cheesecake).
Message Two to weight controller: Exceptions can be made to the usual low fat eating program, at least in restaurants.
Unsupportive Family Scenario Number Three: “It’s Okay To Drive”
Alisa’s family often joined her in walks after she returned from a successful summer at Wellspring Camps. Most of them wore pedometers, as did Alisa, to track the number of steps they walked each day. One day in the early fall when it was particularly warm, the family decided to go to a local café for breakfast. Before camp began, the family would routinely drive the mile or so to this favorite eatery. After camp, however, the family routinely walked to such destinations. On this particularly warm day, Alisa tried getting the family to walk to the café as usual for breakfast. Her father, however, exclaimed, “Oh come on Alisa, it’s way too hot out there.”
Message One to weight controller: The weather can be used as an effective excuse for avoiding activity.
Message Two to weight controller: We’re only willing to take this effort to a degree, not all the way.
Discussion of Unsupportive Scenarios
These scenarios might have struck you as illustrations of rather normal limits of support from generally very cooperative and concerned families. After all, who could blame the father for his unwillingness to walk on a hot morning? What’s so bad about having an occasional dessert at a great restaurant? How can all family members be expected to minimize all consumption of high fat foods just because one family member has this problem?
Unfortunately, weight control is a very demanding taskmaster. Success requires the development of a healthy obsession that families can nurture into maximum effectiveness when they take it all the way. That means they learn to love foods that really work for weight controllers, like sorbet and berries, baked chips and pretzels, and pizza made with fat free cheese. Millions of people enjoy these foods and the enjoyment increases with the awareness that these goodies serve constructive rather than destructive roles for the weight controllers in the family. Family members can also model strong commitments to move, and to value movement above temporary discomforts from the weather.
Families can expect perfection from themselves when making these major changes in lifestyles. Yet, the goals can remain crystal clear and efforts to reach the highest levels of support will be rewarded with healthier and happier weight controllers in their midst.
